I found out that I need someone to guard me...someone that can slap me when i go crazy...someone that tells me when to stop...little problem is i got no one like that.

Yesterday was a fucking bad day, i mean not bad but it was too long and involved too much alcohol and getting high for no reason, i mean is there ever a reason...do i need another plan or is the one i got now pretty ok. I think i I hate for the wrong reasons which is the same problem why i love for the wrong reasons.

I mean man, someone that plays with me in a band who i wanna talk to more than anything is not around cuz he is too stuck with his own shit to see that i would need him right now, i mean am I not makin myself clear or am i not communicating, man with my damn mouth he has got to hear this...

Do i destroy myself for someone cuz I feel that it would make things better, yeah i probably do and no one stops me, which means no one cares? No, well then show me someone who does...i mean espescially persons that i though were there for me are not, they are just not seeing it...i think i am not seeing it anymore, am i really seeing or do i just catch quick small glimpses from a picture of something that i want but can not have?

My thoughts were so loud I could not hear my mouth...my thoughts are so loud...

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
No one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real?
So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home

Sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah ah


I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you, yeah ah
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah ah
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you, yeah ah
And it's the stars that lie
The stars that lie to you, yeah yeah

Oh when the stars
Oh when the stars that lie.

*From Stone Sour's Come What (Ever) May*

So there we have it, today, falling on my ass once again, not learning cuz you all know I can be thought but I am not learning...

When someone asks you: "How is it going?" and you answear with: "Well I am not going anywhere..." you know that something is wrong, with yourself, well maybe with someones ears too but that is not my case.

Am I not listening to people or am I not paying enough attention?!? I suppose it is a combination of both and the lack of sleep and food latley did not make life better...

Well do I know a solution? No but the real question is do I want a solution?!? And here I am again unable to answear a simple question...

Ever had the feeling of being somewhere without a reason, telling a joke an no one is listening but at the sametime smelling the rain before it actually rains, waking up at 3 in the afternoon just to jump out of bed and get some coffee and climb right back in your bed...

Yesterday evening was just like that. It started pretty ok with people all around me, laughing and drinking. After that we went to someones party and I felt like being in a strange video with everyone moving so much quicker than myself.

It did not get better as we finally made our way to the so famed UniParty. I recall talking to people but all that i remember from their words is bla bla and a couple of "How are you" were thrown in my way. At first I figured well ok today is just like everyday but it came to me that life is to short and I feel small...too small i guess.

I tried to sleep...

with the words stuck in my head

"Nobody can save me
Nobody should save me
Nobody can say how it feels alone..."

My head is so filled with stuff that I do not want to think about that I think it might explode sometime soon...

The bad part is that I have troubles finding someone that I can talk about it, I mean that information is just stuck in my god damn body and it will not go anyhwere, it can not go anywhere cuz as I said...who am I gonna talk with?

So if someone reads this and things man Renés postings and their value have gone down latley...you are right that is how it is, no clear thoughts latley, no saracasm just bad jokes.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is all i can think about...

(so just don't save me and I'll be fine...)

That is how it is, I am not sleeping anymore nor am I eating which is strange cuz it kind of is my favourite part time activity.

Seems to be something common that shows up in my bright nature more often than not latley cuz everytime shit gets fucked up i tend to fuck up my life in every aspect, life in general, eating, working or sleeping and the list goes on and on...

So it is now past 1 in the morning, i got university tomorrow which is fucked up cuz i am not feeling like i wanna go there and basically i am feeling so much rage and hate and love and all that contradicting kind of feelings that i wanna puke so...am i going nuts, hell yeah i am.

*So do you think that we could work out a sign, so I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try...*

I can't let you be, cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets,
like an angel from a bedtime story
and shut out what they say,
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around,
somehow they feel up and you feel down.

When we were kids, we hated things our parents did
we listened low to Casey Kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice,
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and October leaves cover everything.

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say;
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids, we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools and Christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?




*sorry to post lyrics again but if a song fits my mood that much as i listen to it i just have to let everyone know bout it, just like in this case...the song is from "Songs For A Blue Guitar" by the Red House Painters*

I went to get my mail and a little package by RedEye was in there. I opened the thing up just to find out that the people over there have brains. The package contained the ordered CD - Ghosts of the great highway (re-issue) and the same cover of that very Cd, signed by Mark Kozelek...

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