Starting at the time I got home to my parents house. I felt unable to normally talk to anyone cuz of the creeping cold and hot feelings that I had. Must be because of the fact that I am not smoking much lately, my body is just getting used to it but why, why, why, is mum always asking the same shit.

So far my body and my head other than that I had to wash two cars. Just drive to the gas station and buy a ticket but still, not the perfect thing for someone who is not smoking. Small passage ways n all of that stuff, slow driving and a bunch of other situations I am not comfortable with.

And as I gently parked my parents car in the washing thing, previously I washed my own, there was this little moment, where I forgot all about the sweating, the sticky t-.shirt, the family meal which as usual turned out to be a Son vs. Father show off, the fact that my cat is buried in my backyard...everything. Just because I looked up in the sky and saw this:



And I felt peaceful, and I felt sad but most of all I was pleased to find out that even in the back of a filthy gas station if you just look up sometimes, there it is.

When life gets you down,

when all walls seem to fall down,

when I can not stand to breath,

then, and only then I turn to music, not for help but for release, for the wait, for a new record by a favourite artist at the right time...I am glad that sometimes the right time comes at the "right time"

Thank you Mr. Kozelek

So much to say so little time for me to explain the way I feel
You only see things the way you want to see them
It makes sense to you all these things you do
You’ve got it all figured out while everyone is confused
How do you do it?
In your mind I'm just blind
You're right all of the time
If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line
I'm not who you are
I'm so sorry

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough
I give all that is me; still it's never enough
So, why try? I give up.
What does it feel like to be in your shoes
And walk over everyone like you do?
Tear me down again, I want you to.
You're lovely, so beautiful and
You're perfect in every way.
Your interior rusted and I'm so disgusted
Can't trust it. You're busted...

One trillion dollars could buy a lot of bling
One trillion dollars could buy most anything
One trillion dollars buying bullets, buying guns
One trillion dollars in the hands of killers, thugs

Fuck the world, a lot of people gotta die tonight

One trillion dollars could buy a heart, a soul...

If i get a thrill out of listening to it over and over again...is it good or bad...


I mean on a serious note...if i hear that song all i wanna do is drop dead or drink so basically the drop dead thing never happened...really it didn't happen...never...

and it scares me...

I know know,

you should just put the records in here that you recently purchased but as this huge Ryan Adams time is upon me again i just felt like putting em all in cuz it bascially is what i hear all the time now, this also because well i am not leaving my appartment at the moment which means i have a lot of time to just sit and listen...

oh and i already put "Easy Tiger" in there, this just cuz it comes out on the 22nd this month so why not put it in now and just stare at the cover, i know it is pathetic but who the fuck cares...i sure as hell don't...

also cuz i figure no one reads the shit i write which makes it irrelevant to be responsible in the use of my words....whahahahahahhahah wakkka wakka n shake shake shake...

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…

I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself

Do what must be done,

Do not hesitate,

Show no mercy...

My head feels so heavy,
I am not sure why,
I am not sure,

All I know is that living breaks me
While i should be breakin into living,

I should be happy for what I got,
I should be happy for who I am,
I should be happy

I should forgive,
Forgive them,
Forgive myself,
Forgive

But when all is said
And all is done,
I realize what I've become...

(Klagenfurt, 14th May,)

That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here....